Escargot de Bourgogne is Five Times Better than Regular Snail
No classic French dinner would be properly begun without escargot.
Snails are one of those foods whose origins surely lie with someone starving to death. Like oysters, crawfish, and durian fruit, no happy, content adult looked at a snail and thought “Hmm, I could eat that.”
No, it was a woman crawling through the weeds on her way to die from a lack of food who saw a bird peck a fat snail from a blade of grass and thought to herself, well, if a bird can do it . . .
Waiters are different in France
We had escargot in Paris at Le Fumoir after visiting the Louvre and enjoyed one of the amenities Americans are privy to when dining in the heart of Paris: a snobbish waiter. Our waiter was not friendly. I don’t mean he was proactively unkind, nor was he purposefully aloof. It’s just that waiters in France aren’t working for tips nor do they give very much of a shit about you or your life or what you think about food. They are there as a conduit between you and the kitchen. They will facilitate your meal service and nothing more. Recommendations are informative and curt. Information about the menu is delivered deadpan and you will get exactly the information you asked for, nothing more nothing less. Which is awesome. I loved our waiters in Paris, especially that little dick at Le Fumoir who rolled his eyes when I asked him how to use snail tongs. Such skill may seem obvious but I assure you that without a moment of training, you’ll shoot that fucking hot boiling snail shell across the table into your wife’s face. Sorry, babe.
You can’t eat just any snail.
These are the most common varieties:
- Helix aspersa; the petit gris, or small gray snail. Common escargot from the Mediterranean up through France and in some parts of England. It can live almost anywhere and has become an invasive pest in California and some of the east coast states.
- Helix pomatia; The escargot Bourgogne; also called the apple snail, the Roman snail, Moon snail, and, because Germany hates small words, Weinbergschnecke.
- Iberus alonensis; the Spanish favorite, Vaqueta (Apparently, all snails in Spain are referred to as Vaqueta), or cow snail. Also, apparently this snail is a loner. I mean, look at that name. Poor snail.
- Tala lactea; The vineyard snail
- Cepaea nemoralis, Cepaea hortensis, Otala punctata, Eobania vermiculata, Helix lucorum, Helix adanensis, Helix aperta, Theba pisana, sphincterochila candidissima—there are a lot of edible snails.
Unless you’re serious about yard-to-table escargot
However. The French pluck their snails right off the vine. So to speak. Finding a fat plump snail devouring your tomato plant in France is not cause for alarm, but cause to fire up the grill. Sure, there are snail farms now. They supply the world with their slimy fruit. But snails weren’t always such a commercial product. One once had to hunt them alone. In the woods. Cold and scared.
You can eat snails you find in your garden if you find the right one. The most common edible snail in America is Helix Aspersa, often called the apple snail. They like shady places in your garden and don’t care if they’re eating a strawberry or a decorative flower. But you can’t just toss them into a pot.
There’s a method.
First, and this is super important, you have to feed them cornmeal. Snails, like your Uncle you only see at Christmas, are full of shit. You have to purge the snails by popping them into a box with a little cornmeal in the corner and some water in a tiny bowl. You have to cover it with cheesecloth so they can breathe. You have to give them a bath every couple of days and look at their poop. Just like children. When their poop changes from a disgusting gray-green horror show to a pleasant cornmeal colored horror show, they’re ready. No, you just have to murder them.
You snail killing bastard, you
Yep, you’re a snail butcher. Put your clean pooping snails into a bowl, sprinkle them with about two tablespoons of salt, then cover the bowl with foil for about 12 hours. The instructions I am stealing this from insist you poke holes in the foil though I can’t imagine why, since you are murder killing a mollusk but I don’t know everything. Watching them writhe in agony is entirely optional.
Once they’re dead, fill the bowl with water then drain. Do this until all the dead snail snot is gon and the water runs clear. Toss your snails into a pot with water, a little mirepoix, and some herbs. Boil them for 30 minutes. Skim green slime off the surface. When the snails are done, use a slotted spoon to transfer them to a towel to dry. Now use a toothpick to dig them out of their shell, cut off their foot (you savage), and use them in the recipe below.
OR, JUST GET CANNED SNAILS
If, like me, hunting helix seems like way too much work, then just head over to whole foods or any upscale grocer and get one of those ready to escargot set-ups. It’s a can of snails inside a clear sleeve of shells. Easy peasy.
Or you can order your escargot from Peconic Escargot, the only certified snail farm in the states.
No wiggly, adorable garden variety snail compares to my personal favorite, Achatina fulica, the Giant African Land Snail, which, though it is listed as edible, I cannot believe anyone actually consumes. It can grow to more than a foot long. You could slice a steak off a fulica.
If you manage to chase down and capture an Achatina Fulica (with the help of your fierce and well-armed village warriors . . .), apparently they will work in this recipe, though I think a vaqueta might be a better idea.
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